The Five Languages Of Love Summary: How to Express Commitment to Your Mate

A few weeks ago, my partner and I decided to read a book together. It was called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. She had read it before and believed it would be beneficial for our relationship, so I was all in. We got through the book in a couple of days, taking turns reading out loud to each other. It was time well spent and an eye-opening experience.

This book provided me with a new way of thinking about love and the belief that we can control how well our relationship is doing. By understanding that we all speak different love languages, we can learn what makes our partner feel truly loved.

Keep reading for The Five Languages Of Love Summary

What Happens to Love After the Wedding?

Most couples decide to get married because their love feels so strong they want to spend the rest of their lives together. The unfortunate reality is that many couples notice how that exciting, passionate love dwindles and disappears after a while. This phenomenon is explained in the first chapter of the book.

Gary Chapman illustrates why this happens. When you first meet a partner, you enter the infatuation phase, characterized by enormous physical attraction and passion. This love feels effortless and invincible, but it’s a phase that gradually fades as you become more familiar with each other. According to Gary, the infatuation phase usually lasts around two years.

The end of this phase can also signal the end of relationships if couples mistake it for the death of their love. However, this is within your control.

The Five Love Languages

During the infatuation phase, both partners usually feel loved and appreciated, but when that is over, we may start to miss the feeling of strong love and wonder what happened. This is where the importance of the five love languages comes in.

Gary states that there are five languages of love. They are all enjoyed to some degree by most of us, but every person has one primary language. The list of all five are:

Words of Affirmation: This love language involves expressing love through spoken or written words. Compliments, words of appreciation, and verbal encouragement are key ways to make someone with this love language feel loved.

Acts of Service: For people who prefer this love language, actions speak louder than words. Doing something helpful or kind for them, like household chores, running errands, or fixing something, shows them that you care.

Receiving Gifts: This love language is about giving and receiving thoughtful gifts. It’s not about the monetary value but rather the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift that conveys love.

Quality Time: Individuals who favor this love language feel loved when they receive undivided attention. Spending meaningful time together, engaging in activities, and having deep conversations are important.

Physical Touch: For some, physical affection is the primary way they feel loved. This includes holding hands, hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical contact that provide a sense of security and affection.

Finding Your Primary Love Language

You probably enjoy all five of these, but try to see if there is one or two that are the most important to you. Do this by imagining which one would leave you feeling the most empty if it were absent.

For me, my main love language is clearly physical touch. I am constantly drawn to touch, cuddle, and hold hands with my partner. Without it, I would feel that something is wrong and probably doubt the state of our love.

My girlfriend also speaks the language of physical touch, but she has discovered that receiving gifts is important to her too. She expressed this after we read the book, and previously I had a hard time understanding it since gifts are not that important to me.

But after reading the book and wanting to give love in my partner’s language, I tried giving her a few gifts. Some were just sticky notes around the house or flowers, but it proved to me that these gestures made her feel loved. She really appreciated even the smallest acts. I could tell that reading this book meant a lot for her, and it was probably a hint that she needed to be understood.

The Love Tank

The book introduces the concept of the "love tank," a way to illustrate how loved you feel in a relationship. When the love tank is empty, you feel like something is missing, like you are not getting what you really want. When it is full, life is wonderful and you truly feel loved.

However, a person’s love tank can only be filled using the right fuel, the right love language.

For example, I like to give my partner words of affirmation so she can understand how much I appreciate her. The thing is, she doesn't care for words of affirmation that much. It does not refill her love tank in the same way that receiving gifts or physical touch does.

Avoiding Miscommunication

If you don't understand and talk about the different love languages with your partner, you might try filling their love tank with the wrong fuel. Even though you could be putting in real effort, it could show very little effect. You may think your partner does not appreciate anything you do, and your partner may think you don't understand them.

This is a common cause for declining relationships. When the phase of effortless love is over, you might actually be speaking different love languages to each other. This could be why you don't feel loved. Your or your partner’s love tank may be low on the right kind of fuel.

Talk about your love language

Reading this book and learning the concept of the five love languages has been a great discovery for me. Talking about it with my partner has also been fun and exciting; we have gained a better understanding of each other and our feelings. That is why I want you to try and apply this concept to your life, with your partner, but also with friends and family.

You may try to figure out what acts seem important to your father or mother. Perhaps they feel loved when you do acts of service and clean the house.

Most importantly, figuring out what is important for your love tank to be filled can help you understand and communicate that need to your loved ones.

Conclusion The Five Languages Of Love Summary

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is a book that identifies five primary ways individuals express and experience love. These love languages help couples understand each other’s needs and communicate affection effectively:

1. Words of Affirmation: Expressing love through spoken or written words, including compliments, appreciation, and encouragement.

2. Acts of Service: Demonstrating love by performing helpful actions, such as household chores, errands, or fixing things.

3. Receiving Gifts: Giving and receiving thoughtful gifts that show consideration and effort, rather than focusing on monetary value.

4. Quality Time: Providing undivided attention and engaging in meaningful activities and conversations to make the other person feel valued and connected.

5. Physical Touch: Using physical affection, such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing, to convey love and provide comfort.

By identifying and speaking each other's primary love languages, couples can enhance their emotional connection and ensure that both partners feel truly loved and appreciated.

The insights from "The Five Love Languages" have opened new doors in my relationship. Understanding and applying these concepts have allowed my partner and I to connect more deeply and effectively. I encourage everyone to read this book, and start conversations with your loved ones about how you can better express your love.