Do you like to offer solutions, advice and wisdom when a friend or partner talks to you about their challenges, problems and feelings?
I tend to try and help other people solve their problems in conversation, but this might not be as helpful as we think. It might actually make things worse.
So many of us are actually terrible at listening, and it's time we do something about it.
Why would you want to become a excellent listener? And how can you start today?
In this post you will learn about the art of being a good listener.
What Is a Good Listener?
My dad is a great, charismatic guy. He has an easy time talking to people, even strangers. He likely honed this skill over years of playing music gigs, where he learned to connect with and entertain the crowd.
The problem is, he's so good at talking and telling stories that he doesn't realize the rest of us don't get a chance to speak. That's why he's not always a good listener.
A good listener is the friend who simply listens when you share what's on your mind. They don't give advice or compare it to their own experiences—they just listen.
It's a common approach in therapy to let someone talk freely while the therapist listens and occasionally asks questions for the patient. This allows the person talking to formulate their thoughts properly, without adjusting them because of someone elses opinions or feelings.
I am not always the best listener. I consciously try to be a good listener, especially with my partner and close friends. But sometimes your conversational habits hinder you from being a good listener.
When my partner, who I love very much talks to me about something that is challenging or currently heavy on them, I naturally try and think of things that could help improve the situation. So her conversation with me could look something like this;
(Partner) -Hey, could we talk for a while? This has been bothering me for a while..
(Me) -Oh really? Well just do this and it might feel better!
(Partner) -Oh, well, maybe.....
(Me) -Don't worry, it's going to be fine!
......
This is Not being a good listener.
When someone trusts you to listen and you respond this way, it can disappoint and even hurt your friend or partner. Why?
Because what happened in the example above, is not listening. It is minimizing the other persons feelings and trying to prove you know the answer to all their problems. This will not allow your friend to formulate their thoughts, or get a better understanding of what they are feeling. It might even make them feel more stupid and misunderstood.
How To Be a Better Listener In a Relationship, Today
To become a better listener will be very helpful in improving your connection with family, friends or your partner.
To start doing this today, there are three points to put in practice right now.
When someone talks to you, just listen. Don't desperately try and find a opening where you can fit in your opinion. Talking less to give space to others is a good starting point.
Be a active listener. Look at people when they talk to you, and instead of forcing your opinions on them, be a active listener by asking relevant questions for them to elaborate their thoughts further.
Don't take responsibility for peoples challenges. When you try to "fix" and find solutions to other peoples problems, you take personal responsibility for someone elses issues.
This means that if someone continues to be challenged by the same thing after your "advice", you will personally start feeling bitter about it. Realize that the way to help is to listen well. They might just need help formulating their own opinion.
Most of the time, we are bad listeners because we want to help. It might sound contradictory, but talking less and just letting people speak their true opinion is often the most helpful thing you can do, for them and yourself.
We Can Be Wrong
In the 1990s there were multiple cases of psychiatrists and psychologists being sued on the charge of creating false memories in patients, making them believe they had been sexually abused in childhood, even though it never happened.
This happened because some psychiatrists were so badly looking for the reason behind their clients issues, and often turned to childhood trauma as an answer. After clients told their trusted psychiatrist of their feelings, they were introduced to the idea that it might all be because of a childhood trauma. This led to many people creating what is called "false memories", fully believing that they now remember a repressed event that never happened.
These psychiatrists caused many innocent people to be charged of sexual assault and abuse. Even innocent parents were accused by their own misled children, and had their lives destroyed. Fortunately, some of these people realized that what they believed had not actually happened and retracted their accusations.
This is an extreme example of how things can go wrong when we make other people trust our opinions. Psychiatrist or not, we can be very wrong, and if we are wrong in our advice it can cause other people harm.
Why Is It Important To Be a Good Listener?
If more of us were good listeners, people would get a better opportunity of speaking up about their own feelings. When we stop giving "advice" and listen more, people are allowed to formulate their own thoughts and feelings into sentences, and this can create a clearer understanding of themselves.
We don't help people by talking over them, we help people by actively listening. Instead of minimizing people when they talk to us, we can give them our honest attention and let them feel heard and understood.
If people want your advice, they will ask for it. If people just want to talk to you, just give them what they want. Being a good listener to those around you will not go unnoticed, you will be seen as a good friend, and be appreciated for it.
The Art of Being a Good Listener
I hope you have gotten a better understanding of how to be a better listener in a relationship, and that it's a very good skill to develop.
If you realize that you might have been a terrible listener occasionally, try and become a better one from here. Step by step we can create a better world by being better listeners.
My partner inspired me to write this post after helping me realize that I haven't always been a good listener with her. It is a blessing to learn about your flaws, so you can start improving them.
The art of listening is a great topic to talk about with your partner or friends, tell each other the truth and you might learn much from it.
To end it all with a fitting quote
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
Paul Tillich
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